Tag Archives: systems thinking

A Parent’s Practice of Holding On & Letting Go: Part Two

One 4th of July, I tried to make a red, white and blue dessert. I remember there were strawberries, blueberries, cream and Jello involved. When made correctly the layers resembled an American Flag, each color distinct from the next. When made by me, it was mostly purple. The layers melded together. Instead of resembling an American Flag, the dessert reminded you of Barney.

Parenting is something like this. The ongoing challenge is to keep the layers from melding together; to distinguish one person from the next so that the relationship recognizes each distinct person in it.

On Monday, we will drop off my son at an airport. He will fly from there to basic training, where we will meet him for graduation in 10 weeks. Today, we are living in the waiting period, which is where the layers easily turn to purple.

Here is what I mean.

  • I feel sad, but my sadness should not meld into his feelings. He feels excitement (among other feelings). My feelings are mine and not his.
  • I feel apprehension. What is my son’s future? Despite Isaiah’s prophecy, swords are still lifted up. Spears were not beaten into pruning hooks. War remains a possibility. Yet my own apprehension need not be his. He needs to feel his own way through the uncertainty.
  • I feel loss. He will miss many moments in the next ten weeks. Birthdays, holidays, senior prom, and his own high school graduation. And yet, my role is to support his decision that this is the right next step in his life. My own sense of loss needs to remain my own.

Feelings are such a bugger. They spill out of us and, I’m learning, feelings are created by electrical activity in our brains based not as much on reality as our own human experience. Feelings can make our relationships meld together; when anxiety is high, it is easy to forget where each of us starts and stops.

This requires letting go. I can sort through my feelings and offer to help my son sort through his, but in the end I can only let my son’s feelings be his own. I can recognize my own concerns without trying to make them his. I can love and support him by paying attention and tending to my own feelings.

I find that prayer helps. In prayer, I can commiserate with God, who reminds me that my son is his own person and I am mine. As the conversation unfolds, I hear the reminder that letting go is better than holding on. “Just remember the Barney disaster,” God won’t let me forget. “I remember.” God doesn’t mind eye rolls.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

What is Saving Your Life Now?

Barbara Brown Taylor shared this question in her book, “An Altar in the World.” A priest asked her to speak at his church in Alabama. “What do you want me to talk about?” Taylor asked him.

“Come tell us what is saving your life now,” he answered.

His answer was freeing for her. Her assignment was not to pinpoint a message that would be helpful for everyone, which is impossible. Instead, she could articulate how she understood her life at that time.

I once heard an author recall a conversation she had with Sylvia Boorstein, a more seasoned writer. She explained to Boorstein how she felt inadequate as a writer. She was younger and so many writers had more experience, both in life and as writers. Who was she to put words on paper?

Boorstein’s response sticks with me. She advised the new author to write what she knew so far.

Wonder today: “What is saving your life now?” Or, “What do you know so far?”

What might you learn if you slow down enough to stir these questions around in your heart and your mind?

  • What is keeping you going?
  • How does Jesus come alongside you these days?
  • What have you learned so far in your life?

When you reflect on these wonderings, you may be surprised at all that you know! Articulating what you already know offers you a road map for everyday living. Knowing what is saving your life now will help you decide what to do next and what to avoid. Recalling what you know so far will keep you from relearning the same annoying life lessons. Self-reflection keeps you from retaking the same tests over and over again.

But the reflection itself takes time. If you are “too busy” for self-reflection, your own wisdom is left behind. Perhaps you could take 20 minutes to journal your thoughts. Or find one person who will listen to you reflect aloud.

I’ll do the homework first.

  1. Parenting is exhausting. Parenting littles is physically tiring. Parenting olders is mentally tiring, but it’s essential that they know how much you love them even when they do dumb things. I’ve learned that hanging around is key. Be in the kitchen when they’re in the kitchen (which is often). Be in the room without being annoying. (This is hard for me because I like to ask questions.) Don’t ask too many questions.
  2. Yesterday I listened to a podcast that unpacked the importance of relationships. What I heard was how challenging marriage becomes when we expect our spouse to be our primarily emotional and intellectual connection. That one person cannot meet all of our human needs. I now understand, 46 years into life, how essential a friendship can be. Friendship, I learned in this podcast, is an indicator of longevity. And, healthy friendship encourages a healthy marriage because it helps us recognize our spouse is not responsible for meeting all of our needs for connection.

Right now, I know at least two things. And that is enough for now.

Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

The Best of the New Year is Old

Have you been lured by the promise of the quick fix? It’s that time of year! See if you relate to any of these:

  • If I follow that healthy food influencer and adopt that particular diet, surely I’ll eat healthier! (Here’s looking at you, Teri Turner from No Crumbs Left Behind.)
  • If I buy that lovely planner/use that fancy pen/become a boss at color coding, I will be organized every minute of every day of 2024!
  • If I download that money app, I am sure to save lots of money!

How do I fall for this every year? As though doing something new will automatically make life better? As though a quick fix ever lasts.

The reason it doesn’t work is because I am still the same person. I am inclined toward the cookies and not the carrots. I am organized much of the time but never 100% of the time. I mostly steward money wisely, but I veer off the designated road when Instagram has customized its every ad just for me!

So here it is, the unwelcomed news of the first day of this new year: The very best 2024 has to offer is nothing new!

Beneath the piles of quick fix promises is one old promise that never wears out. The shiny promises come and go, but this one remains: Jesus’ love is enough for you.

I know, so simple it’s boring. Not shiny or flashy; it won’t make you rich or skinny; you need not have your life together to receive it. Jesus’ love is enough.

Simeon comes to mind, the old guy in Luke’s gospel who waited for God to do something new to make life better. And Anna, the woman whose story is intertwined with his. She went to the temple every single day “with fasting and prayer” to hear a word from the Lord. These two were waiting for a new Word from God which was really the old promise from God. Jesus’ love was enough for these two who had waited a lifetime.

What does this old promise mean for you this new year?

  • God’s dream for you has nothing to do with how you look. Nothing at all. Any quick fix promise from a product you can buy invites some conversation with God. Why that product? What difference might it make if you buy it or don’t? Jesus’ love is enough.
  • Jesus does not love people based on body type. Your body is a uniquely made gift. Paul even calls it a temple! Be gentle on yourself. You are not expected to look like anyone but you.
  • Resolutions are meant to be helpful guides, maybe like road signs encouraging you to move toward well-being. They do not define you. When one flops, you can start over. The whole point is being well. Being super hard on yourself misses the point.

As new year, quick fix promises come and go, how might God’s old promise stay with you? Jesus’ love is enough for you all year long.

Photo by Jamez Picard on Unsplash

Don’t Worry. It’s a Rubber Band

Life is both a box of chocolates and a rubber band. But because we’re all tired of chocolate and some of us even lost our Halloween chocolate moments before the arrival of trick-or-treaters and had to make a mad dash to Walmart to replenish said chocolate, let’s say that life is more like a rubber band than a box of chocolates.

Life is a rubber band. There are seasons in which the rubber band is stretched tightly:

  • when you or someone close to you is dealing with a health crisis
  • when work is wild
  • when a family member is struggling through a hard time
  • when you are the one struggling through a hard time.

A rubber band stretched too tightly can even break, not unlike people. We do and do, stretch ourselves farther and farther, until our human bodies speak up. My spiritual director will ask where in my body I am carrying my worry and anxiety. The person I see for infrequent massages will answer: in her neck. That place in your very human body that is tight or unsettled or chronically in pain may be your body telling you the rubber band is stretching too far.

When the rubber band stretched too far in Jesus’ life, he went away for a while. He prayed by himself. He even fell asleep on a boat during a storm, much to the horror of his freaked-out friends. How could he sleep through a storm? He was that tired. The rubber band had stretched and stretched.

When life is overwhelming, don’t worry. It’s just a rubber band. You are not in charge of the world, only your own self and the rubber band that is your life.

  • What might you let go to loosen the tension in your life?
  • Who might you ask for help? Who might pick up your groceries or kid after school. In fact, even the hard work of asking for help retracts the rubber band. You are admitting you are only human, and although this is a hard truth, it is also a relief.
  • Whose voice is in your head telling you to do more or do it more perfectly? Have a meeting with that fictitious person and explain that they can have the day off today. You are practicing the gentle love of Jesus.

It’s only a rubber band. The world is not falling apart or coming to an end. Instead, you are being invited to admit your human limitations and accept Jesus’ limitless grace – even better than a box of chocolates.

Photo Credit: Michael Walter on Unsplash

You’ve Probably Watched the Same Movie Twice

Even though there many movies, chances are you have watched the same one twice. You could fill your day with new movies for the rest of your life and never catch up! And yet there are those movies you will sit through over and over again.

  • Which movies will you watch more than once? Why those movies?
  • And why is it more common to rewatch a movie than it is to reread a book?

It takes less time to rewatch a movie than to read a book, unless the movie is “The English Patient.” Most books require more time than a movie. But. Let’s say you decide it is worth the time to reread one book.

  • What book would you reread?
  • Why that book?

What might be worth reading more than once?

There may be Scripture verses or passages or stories that are significant to you. You might return to those words for a particular reason. I repeat Psalm 63 to slow down my mind when it gets too overactive, like a time-out for a toddler.

While on internship, my supervisor introduced me to Bowen theory, a way of understanding our relationships. He lent me his case of eight cassette tapes, which I listened to in my car. Remember those plastic cases that held the cassette tapes in place? Retro. Remember when you slid cassette tapes into your tape deck? Remember when your cassette tape got stuck in your tape deck and you had to jimmy it out with a butter knife?

Anyway after I listened through the lectures, I ordered my own case of cassettes and listened to the lectures once a year. Then I had them converted into CD’s and now CD players live in the land of tape decks. But for a dozen years, I relistened to the lecture to keep learning the theory that has proven most helpful for me in ministry and daily life.

This morning, I looked through the books in my study at church and wondered which ones would I reread and why? The initial stack is a few books tall. There is a book on Bowen theory, an enneagram resource, a theology book on Luther’s writing, and a preaching resource. This exercise will take a second look to curate a stack of yearly reading. With podcasts and audiobooks, it would not be difficult to set aside time for rereading. No cassette tape hazards.

What we read/watch/listen to shapes our thinking and shapes our doing. You reading this blog puts ideas in your head – yikes! How might your reading shape your life in a way that nourishes your faith? In a way that nurtures your true self? In a way that encourages you to be gentle on yourself and let go of what needs letting go?

If you are willing, look back and find one book or podcast, poem or lecture got you thinking. Choose one passage of Scripture and reread it each morning for a month. Enjoy the words enjoyed once before. They may tell you something new the second (or sixth) time around.

Photo by Edgar on Unsplash

What Did You Learn This Week?

The kids may have been the ones returning to school the last week or two, but you, beloved child of God, must have learned something, too!

Turn around to see the past week. What did you learn?

  • What did you learn you could do that you hadn’t thought you could do?
  • What did you learn that you miss?
  • What did you learn about someone you love?
  • How did you spend your time? What does that teach you about your values?
  • How did you spend your money? What does that teach you about your values?
  • What did you learn about yourself that actually you had learned before, maybe several times?
  • What did you learn that made you change your mind about something (or someone) you thought you knew?

Being human is such an experience in lifelong learning! Here are a few things I learned in the past week:

  1. The job of a teacher continues to be one of the most remarkable jobs in the world. So often in America we make the mistake of valuing jobs based on pay. But the indelible mark a teacher can make on a student is, I hope, a great reward. Thank you to the teachers who have made my kids more confident and wise.
  2. In England, cilantro is known as coriander. Who knew! Thank you, Cody Rigsby. Perhaps someday I may need this information.
  3. Tweens REALLY prefer not to listen to their mothers. “Are you sure you want to wear a sweater when the high is 85 degrees?” Yes she was sure. And then she was hot.
  4. Letting go happens in fits and starts. My boys are now more like men, my daughter is settling into middle school. It is easy to step too far back, or easy to hover too closely. Yet like all relationships, what matters is a particular kind of presence. A presence that is not demanding. A presence that exhibits how you both care deeply and respect the other person’s boundaries.

Learning can be exhausting, which may be why kids don’t like to talk through their day the moment they get in the car, even though I want to hear all about it! But thank goodness for learning. How else would I know that cilantro goes by more than one name! What a world.

Photo by Eric Brehm on Unsplash

A Key Word to Parenting Teenagers (when they wake up)

When parenting littles, there is constant urging to go to sleep. At bedtime and at naptime, we beg the tiny creatures to please, please, please close little their eyes. In the morning when they get up at 5:30 am because the sun is awake, we plead with them to go back to bed as strategically as one might negotiate with a terrorist.

The opposite is true when parenting teenagers. There is constant urging to get out of bed! When they sleep through breakfast and yet require a late afternoon nap, we beg them to open their eyes and stay out of bed.

Parents are required to respond differently to their kids’ sleep patterns as littles morph into teenagers. Respond is a key word in the work of parenting, which you already know because I bolded the word, twice! Responding means something different than reacting. To respond is to have thought through how you want to proceed.

Here are teenage examples:

  • She sleeps until 2:00 pm even though you asked her to start doing her chores by 10:00 am. Do you yell, imply that she is lazy, and assign her more chores? Or, do you wait until you are both calm and talk through a better sleep schedule, explaining how rest makes us better humans? (true story)
  • He rushes through chores to get to gaming and forgets for most of the day to take his clothes out of the dryer so that other people in the house might also do their laundry. Do you take away the controller and imply gaming is a waste of time and why can’t you do your chore from start to finish? Or, do you dump the clean and dried laundry on his head while he’s gaming, gently reminding him he’s forgotten to finish his chore. (true story)

The humbling work of parenting all ages, and in this case teenagers, assures you that you are never in control. It is the one guarantee. You cannot will a teenager to be who you want them to be. Your teen will never be exactly who you thought he or she might be. In the wild and privileged work of shaping people’s lives, you can only be in control of your own response.

When you are tired or hungry, your response to your kiddo will be abysmal. Don’t respond quickly in those times. Take a breath and explain to your beloved teenager that you need a moment to consider how you want to respond. This might be one of the best life lessons you pass along. Most of our responses to another human being (unless 911 is the obvious response) need not be so quick.

I wonder if a mistake we make as parents is to assume we should know how to respond. I’ve been a parent for 17 years. Shouldn’t I know by now what to do? Um, no. I don’t. That’s why I often need time to consider my response. This is one way to love the people entrusted to you: don’t hurry. You waited nine long months to meet these creatures who at first refused to sleep and later refused to get their butts out of bed. Each day they remind you how little control you actually have, and some days you get to dump clean laundry on them.

Photo by Rehina Sultanova on Unsplash

Please Don’t Make Me Polka

Summer is a delight. Where I live, one delightful summer day comes at the cost of a month of cold and terrible winter days. One month of winter opens the door to the taste of blueberries and the smell of fresh-cut grass. All the snow-shoveling makes a path toward cookie dough ice cream on a steamy day and the sounds of the crowd as you spectate your favorite summer sport. Summer is a delight.

Although, I find summer to be something of a bad dancing partner. It lacks rhythm. It is a fun time, for sure. But there is no “settling into summer.” The days are unpredictable when we spend so much time outside. Summer activities pepper the days but also change places on the calendar when weather does not permit. You planned for an outdoor gathering with friends? Or a day on the lake? Or a trip to the zoo? Or the last day of seeding a crop? Now you must listen to fall back into the rhythm because your dancing partner has none.

It took nearly 10 years for me to realize why dancing with my husband is slightly frustrating. He loves loves loves to dance so much more than I do. He especially loves to polka, which is popular in southwest N.D. I hold on tight as he bounces up and down. If you watch him on the dance floor you just hope he doesn’t swing an elbow into someone’s eye.

I could never seem to find the same beat to the music. He would move and I would be constantly catching up. But then I realized he was just moving, but not necessarily to the rhythm of the music! I won’t say he has no rhythm…so let’s move on!

The daily rhythm of summer can be slightly frustrating. We shape our days by the weather in this season more than any other.

  • How do you let go of what you thought would happen today, and how do you fall into a new rhythm?
  • Or even bigger, how do you let go of what you thought might happen in this season of your life and fall into a new rhythm?

Like dancing with my husband, life may not move to your rhythm. You fall behind until the rhythm catches you. Can you notice in your life where you might be waiting for the rhythm to catch you? Where in your life do you feel some discomfort, or even frustration? Can the Spirit be your dancing partner for now?

When you feel behind the rhythm, are you trying to take the lead that isn’t yours to take? Perhaps the Spirit has you in an elbow-swinging polka and all you can do is hold on tight! And the seasons come and go, temperatures rise and fall, snow-shoveling makes away for summer sports, and the rhythm catches you. And that is when you realize you weren’t the one holding on tight. You were the one being held.

Photo by Ardian Lumi on Unsplash

Living Is Learning

Today marks the beginning of a new year of living and learning. Today I am grateful to say hello to 45! Even though last night my dad switched the numbers on my birthday cake and we were all confused, today is indeed the dawn of a new year which is not Year 54.

Isn’t it amazing that even after all the years you have lived in your own body, there is still more to learn about you? I find that to be wild. If anyone should know you, it is you. And yet, you are constantly living and learning what you need, how to articulate those unique needs, and how to move along when life falls apart, even for a few minutes.

Can you look back and notice what you have learned as you have lived these past few months or past year?

  • What have you learned about yourself? Does that surprise you?
  • Can you look further back in your family to see when you learned that? From whom?
  • What needs have you been able to articulate in order to live more openly and honestly?
  • What might you let go to free up your hands to let Jesus hold them?

Living has helped me learn how much I need one hour to myself nearly every day. This is a luxury not afforded to everyone. In seasons of caregiving for kids or adults, time to yourself is truly a luxury. And yet, for me time to myself is daily bread. I do need to be given this day and most days the daily bread of time wasted with Jesus. Time to write or read or soak up the stillness in prayer.

It surprises me that I didn’t realize this years ago, and that it has taken years to figure out how to meet this need. But once I could articulate that an hour to myself is necessary for my own well-being, everyone around me understood. The staff with whom I work know that from 8-9:00 am I am alone in my office. At home, when I am in a particular space with my journal or a book, people tend to let me be.

I come from a family of introverts, which means growing up I learned the importance of time alone. We do not need to be visiting or playing games to be together as family. We can simply share space, which I can see in my own kids now.

Living is learning. And paying attention, we also help the next generation in our families learn to live.

Photo by Rakesh Sitnoor on Unsplash

What Will I Learn Today?

What will I learn today from a book I read, or an article I skim? What will I learn from the ancient Scriptures or from more recent words reflecting on the ancient ones?

What will I learn from my friends, my kids, my colleagues? What will I learn from a stranger I meet?

What will I learn from sitting in quiet or moving through a boisterous sanctuary tonight?

What will I learn in my prayers for help, for forgiveness, for a road map? What will I learn in my prayers for others?

Have you ever noticed, some of what you learn from day to day is actually re-learning? Sometimes, you already knew what you learn again: The book does not teach you a new thing, but reminds you of some old wisdom you found helpful long ago. The Scriptures tell a familiar story of God’s mercy. Your friends remind you what you once knew and often forget: you belong and are loved. Your prayers place you where you have spent so much of your life: in the loving arms of Christ.

What will you learn today? The merciful promise of a God who never tires of teaching you.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash