My annual eye exam includes putting on funky 3D glasses to spot an image hiding on the page. One of those images is a butterfly. (Do not use me to cheat on your eye exam, you have to find it yourself!) Wrapping up our five weeks of family systems thinking based on Roberta Gilbert’s book, “Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interaction,” the hidden image of a butterfly sums it up. First, let’s review.
Part One: Your own life is incredibly interesting. Instead of trying even harder to be a better human, imagine wearing a detective’s jacket. Look closely at your life. What matters to you? How are you pursuing your goals? How can you respond to life’s challenges more maturely? Systems theory is a way to responsibly look at your own life and identify unhelpful patterns you likely learned growing up.
Part Two: To handle stressful parts of our life, we often engage in triangles. When we are frustrated with a spouse, boss, friend, or parent we complain to a third party instead of directly dealing with the problem. We blame the other person in the conflict in order to keep from admitting our own contribution to the problem. We even hope to change people. The triangle keeps us from seeking a healthy solution.
Part Three: According to systems theory, each person is an individual self. At our best, we are connected to the people who matter to us without taking responsibility for them. This looks like two partners sharing the work of running a household, or a parent of young children working toward “an eventual equal relationship” with them (Gilbert’s phrase). Look at your life and see where there might be an over/underfunctioning relationship. Hint: it is a relationship that drains you.
Part Four: Fusion occurs when we care so much that we lose our own selves in the relationship. Trying to keep the peace, we keep our own hopes and dreams quiet. In pre-marriage counseling, when a couple tells me their parents never argued or disagreed, I wonder which one of them gave up their own voice for the sake of unity.
And finally, the moment you have been waiting for, the finale!
Systems thinking is a way to look at relationships within your family of origin (the family in which you grew up) and your generative family (the family with whom you live as a grown-up). In relationships, there is a level of anxiety. By anxiety, I mean emotional intensity such as fear, anger, or depression. The way in which you respond to anxiety has everything to do with what you learned growing up. Your challenge now is to notice your responses and become more responsible in how you handle them. You can only change yourself. The goal is not to evolve into a perfect human, but simply to be aware of your own self. We make progress when we are aware of our emotions without letting them take over.
To wrap things up, who do you know who handles stress well? Picture a moment when emotions are intense. At the family Thanksgiving table when your uncle spouts out his extreme political view, or at a board meeting in the thick of an argument. This person remains calm and speaks thoughtfully, stating his or her own views clearly. The person does not blame others, but is responsible for his or her own words and actions even though not everyone will agree. That person’s calmness eases the tension in the room.
This is an example of emotional maturity. When I meet with a couple that is stuck, I listen for the person who speaks without blaming. The person who can articulate the problem without blaming is the one person who can make a change in the relationship. He or she can see beyond the intensity of emotions to remain an individual self. This person has thought through what matters most and can tell you their own hopes and dreams. Although this person is connected to family, he or she does not depend on family to move toward goals.
What makes us timid with our own hopes and dreams? Of course, we do not want to disrupt our family. Being human is to have deep desires to feel connected to friends and family, and so we adapt our behavior to fit in. We sacrifice our own unique perspective and goals to keep the peace. This is like looking at my eye doctor’s 3D image and seeing only dots. No butterfly stands out.
The person you thought of earlier is like the 3D butterfly who does not get lost in the picture. It is the individual who keeps calm amid stress because that person knows what he or she stands for, while at the same time remains connected with the people who matter most. Being true to your own beliefs and goals might at times disrupt the lives of those whom you love.
My call as a pastor sometimes disrupts my family’s schedule. Because of the time and emotional complexity, my work demands more of each of the four people in my life. And yet, every time I complain to God about this, I am somehow affirmed that this is the work God needs me to do right now. My kids know I will miss some of their performances; if they want clean clothes, they need to do their own laundry; their time off might not match my time off. I need each of their own unique contributions to our family. They know I love them so much that I want them to learn to depend not only on me, but also on themselves.
My prayers for each of my three kiddos are shaped by my desire for their independence. “God, help them learn to trust themselves, for I know you are deeply a part of each of them.” The same individuality is true of my marriage. “Lord, thank you for this person who is so different from me, who encourages me to be myself.”
Systems theory teaches the way toward healthy relationships is to remain connected to your family of origin. If those family members are no longer living, have conversations aloud or on paper with the person who was the greatest challenge to you. Working out relationships with our own parents and siblings sets us up for better relationships with the next generation. This work can be scary, but you can handle scary on a day like Halloween! This scary work requires you to speak up when you might rather not, and to stay connected when you might rather end the relationship. At your best, you recognize the butterfly in the picture that is you, without letting your own unique self get lost in the demands of everyone else’s lives.
Why did God create people so differently, making relationships so challenging? Argh.
Here is a prayer to encourage you to keep learning about your life.
Good one, God, making as all so different. However, it’s hard to be impressed by your creative genius when you’ve made it an enormous challenge to share the same earth, same nations, same neighborhoods, same workplaces, same homes with people who drive me crazy. What I learned from generations before me created patterns in my life in all of these places. Grant me clarity to look objectively at my life to recognize the healthy patterns and to let go of the unhelpful ones. Give me courage to speak up, grace to forgive and let go, curiosity for my own life, and wisdom to stop trying to change other people. Thank you for making me this way, even though I still have so much to learn. And you have more than enough mercy for this lifelong learner, your beloved child. Amen.
Lisa Lewton 