Stepping Back to See the Map

Listening to a podcast last week, I heard an inspiring story of a mom whose daughter is in college. Each morning, she texts her daughter a simple greeting to let her daughter know she is thinking of her. It is not a manipulative way of checking up on her daughter or a sneaky tactic to start a conversation. It is: “I am here, you are there, and I want you to know I care.”

This story has me wondering how I let my kids know I care without letting my day or my life be shaped by how (or whether) they respond. The most complicated wisdom of parenting is knowing where I start and stop, and where each kid starts and stops. For example, if each of us is a state on a map, there are recognizable boundaries that keep us from spilling over into each others’ lives. As long as I don’t get too stressed or tired, I can mostly see the boundaries and avoid these situations:

“I noticed he/she did not do the dishes. It’s her/his chore, but it would be much easier if I just do it myself and then I wouldn’t need to look at those dang dishes all day!”

“I need to make time for myself to rest, but everyone needs something from me and so I respond to their needs instead of my own.”

There are a million examples of how difficult it is to hang in there with our kids while also challenging them to grow. Parenting is always both at once. It is showing up and stepping back; watering the garden without overwatering. Parenting is so many hugs and also some tough words.

What would make life easier is if each kid required the same proportion of hugs and words, the same volume of water, the same amount of showing up and stepping back. It is God’s greatest joke on guardians and parents, that we get to reinvent much of our parenting style for each individual human we raise! Good one, God of the universe who raised an only child. Some of us are doomed to be lifetime reinventors.

If you look around your life today, can you recognize a spot on the map where you would like to clarify the boundaries? You might quickly see you need to let go of expecting the dishes to be washed every day, or you might disappoint someone who needs something but can actually wait until you are more rested. If you look closely at the map, but you will notice you are not the Rugby, that is, arguably the center of North America. God’s only child is the center, so you can just be you.