family – Page 5 – Lisa Lewton

An American Advent: New Things I Now Declare

New traditions are a bugger. Early in our marriage, I had no idea. I imagined my husband and I would start some of our own traditions. Perhaps weekly movie nights would be our thing, and a predictable and seamless sharing of holidays with our families of origin. Each Fourth of July, host our friends and serve our own unique meal, and each night share highs and lows with our kids.

Why are new traditions such a bugger? Because human beings are creatures of habit and practitioners of patterns. It’s why long-term diets are next to impossible and saving or spending money differently only gets harder with age. We learn one way and tend to stick with it.

Family patterns are no different. If you spend time with your family of origin (the family in which you grew up) this Christmas, you will notice patterns if you are willing to pay attention. Arguments begin the very same way. The same person will exasperate you and you will react in the same way you always do. Family patterns are the deep ruts of country roads.

This weekend’s Narrative Lectionary reading for the third Sunday in Advent has to do with patterns. God’s relationship with God’s people had developed a deep rut kind of pattern. God loved the people, the people turned against God, God opened God’s arms and they returned to God. God loved the people, the people turned against God…wash, rinse and repeat.

Into this old, endless pattern, the prophet Isaiah breathed a new one. Speaking for the Lord, Isaiah said, “See, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth, I tell you of them.”

The new pattern emerged several hundred years later with the birth of the one for whom we wait this Advent. The Messiah dared to break the pattern. God’s people could not turn away from a God who needed holding, needed feeding, needed loving. God stepped out of God’s power to step into your life for good. The pattern of humanity turning away from God was broken, not by God’s people finally getting it right, but by God declaring a new pattern.

If God can change the pattern of God’s relationship with God’s people, why in tarnation is it so hard to stick with a new tradition?

I’ll tell you why. Because the forces at work in our families of origin are powerful beyond measure. The traditions of our family and the habits that then become our own are forever our default. Like an addiction, those old habits take over the wheel whenever we feel too tired to steer ourselves.

But there is hope! In Isaiah 42, the Lord named the new pattern, which I think is the hardest step. Naming a new pattern challenges not only the existing pattern but everyone who has a stake in it. If you decide to host Christmas and cook lasagna when your family of origin has only EVER eaten ham, then you are in for it. But you’ve named the new pattern; you have the steering wheel: lasagna, baby!

New patterns are magnets for resistors. But if your new pattern matters to you, and you sincerely explain it to your family, then please keep driving. You must know the way, and eventually the others may come along. If they don’t because they insist on ham and only ham everlasting for Christmas, then more lasagna for you. You’ve created a new pattern because it matters to you, and although you would prefer that your family of origin enjoy it with you, not every new pattern continues that way.

The pattern God declared in Jesus Christ, however, cannot be discontinued. The pattern of God’s love wrapped in bands of cloth and lying in a manger smooths out the old ruts of our lives. No new tradition, or old and worn tradition can undo God’s desire to be with you.

Photo Credit: Marlin Clark on Unsplash

An American Advent: Esther

You will find them in the reeds when Moses floats down the river. She is the unseen young girl whose parents were taken during the war. Before anyone else finds out, the angel first proclaimed the good news for all the world to her.

The Bible is nothing if not shocking. When something big is about to happen, it does not first happen among the mighty and powerful. Elected leaders do not shape the story of Scripture. Those with political importance are only center stage when they have messed it up.

The infant Moses was saved when two young girls took charge. It is teenage Mary who first received the good news of Jesus’ coming. And no one suspected Esther.

Esther’s story is told in ten chapters that famously make no mention of God. She was a Jew raised by her Jewish cousin, Mordecai, after her parents were taken in the Babylonian Exile. When the non-Jewish king went on the hunt for a new pretty face, Esther won his favor. Later, Mordecai overheard a plot to exterminate the Jews and urged Esther to use her place in the king’s favor to stop it. He said, “Who knows? Perhaps you have come to royal dignity for just such a time as this.”

This Advent series challenges you to notice an Advent hope for our own nation. In America, the land of the divided and the home of finger-pointers, we tend to look for hope in all the wrong places. We look for hope among the wealthy, the mighty, and within our own political party. We blame and bicker, boo and belittle.

And no one suspects Esther.

Upon Mordecai’s urging, Esther went to work. When no one suspects you of changing the world, you have plenty of permission to do so. And she did.

As America waits for a better economy, a better selection of political candidates, a better nation, Esther is a story of what to do while you wait. She wasted no time blaming or bickering. She, a young woman in a man’s world, the unseen girl with tragedy as her backstory, hatched a Shakesperean plan that concluded: “…and if I perish, I perish.”

While we spend these Advent weeks waiting for the birth of a Savior and waiting for Jesus to come again and waiting for a better America, how are you waiting? Are you blaming the leaders you elected because America does not look how you want? Are you bickering with those who see the nation differently when all this time you could be the unsuspecting whisperer of hope?

Let’s move the spotlight from the nation to the Christmas dinner table that awaits you. You know, the table you may be dreading because the very people who bother you most will be seated beside you. People who see the nation differently, or your family history differently. People you successfully avoid most of the year. I recently listened to a podcast in which a listener asked if it is possible to just end it with her family because she’d had enough of them. If you are dreading the Christmas dinner table, it appears you are not alone.

Esther saved a nation, and perhaps you could save Christmas dinner. How did she do it? She believed that what made her unique was exactly what was needed. Out of love for her people, she was brave and honest. She did not wait for someone more important to make a difference, she understood the one who could make a change was her.

Photo Credit: Akira Deng on Unsplash

An American Advent: What Does Justice Have to Do with Advent?

Fighting for justice is the daily work of a mom of young kids.

While the word justice addresses big concerns such as hunger, poverty and racism, justice is also a concern at the Lego table. Years ago, the 19-month difference in my little boys’ ages nearly did me in, especially when Legos were involved! The more aggressive brother hoarded the Legos or disassembled his brother’s creation. Whatever each one had was never fair enough and the tantrums that erupted were Vesuvian. My job as a mom was to advocate for justice at the Lego table by asking questions of my two little boys:

Why can’t you at least let me shower before you fight?
But seriously, why are you so angry?
Can you tell your brother what you want?
How can you share what you have so the Lego table can be a fun place for both of you?

Justice is what happens when people work toward the same equitable goal. Justice is two little boys sharing Legos, even though it lasts only long enough for a mom to take a shower.

In America, justice is a touchy word. Currently, Americans are rather possessive of their notion of justice, applying the word only to their own political party – blaming the opposing party for threatening justice. But justice is not a partisan word, it is an Advent word.

The Narrative Lectionary reading for the first Sunday in Advent is spoken by the prophet whose name is pronounced more than one way. Habakkuk (HAB-ah-kuk or Hah-BAK-kuk) is advocating for justice. He is waiting for God to bring about equity for God’s people caught between the superpowers of the day: Babylon and Egypt. The future for God’s people is grim, so Habakkuk turns to God and says, “O Lord, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not listen?”

This is the faithful cry of Americans today, waiting for justice. How long, Lord, will our nation cling to their political parties? How long will we stand for the news to be delivered without integrity, deepening the divide between neighbors? How long will everything that’s wrong be the fault of everyone but our own selves? Lord, how long?

Next week, I will share the story of someone who believed it was her responsibility to advocate for justice. It was not the responsibility of the political powers of the day, or even the more powerful gender. She believed it was her own work to advocate for justice, which changes everything.

This week, consider your own understanding of justice.

In a journal or a conversation with a person or the Lord, what would justice in America look like and how much does your own political preference shape your understanding of justice?
Turning back to the questions at the Lego table, but seriously, why are you so angry?
Can you tell your brother and sister in Christ who may disagree with you how you want justice to look?
How can you share what you have so ~~the Lego table~~ America can be a fun place for both of you?

Eventually God responds to Habakkuk. In 2:1-5, God’s response threatens anyone who depends on wealth and pride. Wealth and pride do not bring about justice. Justice requires as much giving as getting, which is very difficult to teach both at the Lego table and in America. May justice begin in our own nation with your own honest reflection.

Photo credit: Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Series Finale of a New Way to See Your Life: Look Closely, It’s a Butterfly

My annual eye exam includes putting on funky 3D glasses to spot an image hiding on the page. One of those images is a butterfly. (Do not use me to cheat on your eye exam, you have to find it yourself!) Wrapping up our five weeks of family systems thinking based on Roberta Gilbert’s book, “Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interaction,” the hidden image of a butterfly sums it up. First, let’s review.

Part One: Your own life is incredibly interesting. Instead of trying even harder to be a better human, imagine wearing a detective’s jacket. Look closely at your life. What matters to you? How are you pursuing your goals? How can you respond to life’s challenges more maturely? Systems theory is a way to responsibly look at your own life and identify unhelpful patterns you likely learned growing up.

Part Two: To handle stressful parts of our life, we often engage in triangles. When we are frustrated with a spouse, boss, friend, or parent we complain to a third party instead of directly dealing with the problem. We blame the other person in the conflict in order to keep from admitting our own contribution to the problem. We even hope to change people. The triangle keeps us from seeking a healthy solution.

Part Three: According to systems theory, each person is an individual self. At our best, we are connected to the people who matter to us without taking responsibility for them. This looks like two partners sharing the work of running a household, or a parent of young children working toward “an eventual equal relationship” with them (Gilbert’s phrase). Look at your life and see where there might be an over/underfunctioning relationship. Hint: it is a relationship that drains you.

Part Four: Fusion occurs when we care so much that we lose our own selves in the relationship. Trying to keep the peace, we keep our own hopes and dreams quiet. In pre-marriage counseling, when a couple tells me their parents never argued or disagreed, I wonder which one of them gave up their own voice for the sake of unity.

And finally, the moment you have been waiting for, the finale!

Systems thinking is a way to look at relationships within your family of origin (the family in which you grew up) and your generative family (the family with whom you live as a grown-up). In relationships, there is a level of anxiety. By anxiety, I mean emotional intensity such as fear, anger, or depression. The way in which you respond to anxiety has everything to do with what you learned growing up. Your challenge now is to notice your responses and become more responsible in how you handle them. You can only change yourself. The goal is not to evolve into a perfect human, but simply to be aware of your own self. We make progress when we are aware of our emotions without letting them take over.

To wrap things up, who do you know who handles stress well? Picture a moment when emotions are intense. At the family Thanksgiving table when your uncle spouts out his extreme political view, or at a board meeting in the thick of an argument. This person remains calm and speaks thoughtfully, stating his or her own views clearly. The person does not blame others, but is responsible for his or her own words and actions even though not everyone will agree. That person’s calmness eases the tension in the room.

This is an example of emotional maturity. When I meet with a couple that is stuck, I listen for the person who speaks without blaming. The person who can articulate the problem without blaming is the one person who can make a change in the relationship. He or she can see beyond the intensity of emotions to remain an individual self. This person has thought through what matters most and can tell you their own hopes and dreams. Although this person is connected to family, he or she does not depend on family to move toward goals.

What makes us timid with our own hopes and dreams? Of course, we do not want to disrupt our family. Being human is to have deep desires to feel connected to friends and family, and so we adapt our behavior to fit in. We sacrifice our own unique perspective and goals to keep the peace. This is like looking at my eye doctor’s 3D image and seeing only dots. No butterfly stands out.

The person you thought of earlier is like the 3D butterfly who does not get lost in the picture. It is the individual who keeps calm amid stress because that person knows what he or she stands for, while at the same time remains connected with the people who matter most. Being true to your own beliefs and goals might at times disrupt the lives of those whom you love.

My call as a pastor sometimes disrupts my family’s schedule. Because of the time and emotional complexity, my work demands more of each of the four people in my life. And yet, every time I complain to God about this, I am somehow affirmed that this is the work God needs me to do right now. My kids know I will miss some of their performances; if they want clean clothes, they need to do their own laundry; their time off might not match my time off. I need each of their own unique contributions to our family. They know I love them so much that I want them to learn to depend not only on me, but also on themselves.

My prayers for each of my three kiddos are shaped by my desire for their independence. “God, help them learn to trust themselves, for I know you are deeply a part of each of them.” The same individuality is true of my marriage. “Lord, thank you for this person who is so different from me, who encourages me to be myself.”

Systems theory teaches the way toward healthy relationships is to remain connected to your family of origin. If those family members are no longer living, have conversations aloud or on paper with the person who was the greatest challenge to you. Working out relationships with our own parents and siblings sets us up for better relationships with the next generation. This work can be scary, but you can handle scary on a day like Halloween! This scary work requires you to speak up when you might rather not, and to stay connected when you might rather end the relationship. At your best, you recognize the butterfly in the picture that is you, without letting your own unique self get lost in the demands of everyone else’s lives.

Why did God create people so differently, making relationships so challenging? Argh.

Here is a prayer to encourage you to keep learning about your life.

Good one, God, making as all so different. However, it’s hard to be impressed by your creative genius when you’ve made it an enormous challenge to share the same earth, same nations, same neighborhoods, same workplaces, same homes with people who drive me crazy. What I learned from generations before me created patterns in my life in all of these places. Grant me clarity to look objectively at my life to recognize the healthy patterns and to let go of the unhelpful ones. Give me courage to speak up, grace to forgive and let go, curiosity for my own life, and wisdom to stop trying to change other people. Thank you for making me this way, even though I still have so much to learn. And you have more than enough mercy for this lifelong learner, your beloved child. Amen.

A New Way to See Your Life, Part Three: How to Light the Unity Candle

In her book, “Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions”, Roberta M. Gilbert describes two people who meet, are attracted to each other, and grow intensely close. Even thinking about being together makes each of them happy. Soon after, they are considered “fused,” meaning when one person is happy, so is the other. When one person is frustrated or sad, so is the other. Their interactions become intense, trying to return to and maintain a state of happiness. They work so hard to keep each other happy, knowing when one of them is happy, so is the other. They constantly struggle in their pursuit of good feelings. They have lost their own selves in the relationship.

If you have attended a wedding ceremony when a new couple lights a unity candle, you might remember they light one candle using their own individual candles. “Be sure not to blow out your own candles,” I tell couples during rehearsal. “You are still your own person in your marrage!”

This idea is confusing in part because of the movies. When couples fall in love in the movies, they become like one person, synchronized, fused. They are together in every sense of the word, but that relationship only has to last until the credits roll! In real life, couples are not to become one person, they are to remain two separate people with their own ideas, hopes and dreams; their own opinions and worries; their own friends and connection to families of origin; having their own unique relationship with kids. “Relationships become uncomfortable, not because we care too little, but because we lose too much of ourselves in them.” (Gilbert, p. 77).

You can identify a fused relationship in your life by noticing which relationship feels most demanding and even draining. Gilbert asks whether there are unrealistic expectations tied up in this relationship. Another question for self-reflection is whether you can spot fusion in your family of origin? Could the people in your family have their own identities and priorities? What did it look like when one person expressed opinions that differed from the family, or when a family member moved far away?

As my teenagers add years to their lives, I both enjoy and am challenged by their individual perspectives. Aware of how fusion makes it difficult to be our own selves, my kids are not required to agree with me, nor am I required to agree with them. We can have our own thoughts regarding politics, relationships, gaming, and music. It is so much fun, and again challenging, to equip them to be their own unique persons, like individual candles that keep burning. Each of my kids are valued members of our family not because we agree, but because our different ideas make our family more interesting.

In my marriage, I was slow to learn what a gift it is that my husband and I sometimes see politics and theology differently. In the early years of marriage, it seemed as though the goal was to be like-minded. (Again, the movies!) But thank goodness like-mindedness is not the goal! In my family of origin, too, it has been a blessing to have parents whose own opinions and perspectives differ, which offered even more perspectives growing up.

Fusion in families stunts our individual growth. When we try too hard to keep the peace and fake our agreement, we miss out on each person’s individuality. It is, in fact, enriching to live under the same roof with someone who respectfully disagrees with me, even though it can be a pain the neck! Growth is hard. I am challenged to keep learning, and to keep defining my own perspective.

Next week, in the last part of this series, we will zoom in one more step to notice our human tendency to be together, think alike, and avoid conflict. I will share a few last thoughts to encourage you to keep your own candle burning, just as Jesus said: “In the same way, let your light so shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)

If I’m Washing Dishes, Look Out

If my life were a movie, there would be a hundred scenes of a crabby me washing the dishes. It isn’t that I do not enjoy washing the dishes. It’s not the worst chore. What ticks me off is that washing the dishes is someone else’s chore. And that person seems to “forget” the assignment and get lost in a screen. Instead of maturely asking the person to wash the dishes, to quote any toddler you know: “I do it myself!” And the wrath of Lisa is felt at every corner of my home.
“Mom,” the person will later say, “I would have done the dishes…eventually.”
And it’s true! Eventually, had I been more patient and mature, that person would have washed the dishes without my transforming into such a crab. I could have ignored the dirty dishes and read a book, but instead, I jumped in and overfunctioned.
This is one of my biggest human struggles. And as you will notice in yourself, struggles within your family relationships often match your struggles in your work relationships. At home and at work, I tend to agree to do something before I think it through.

At home, when we overfunction for a spouse or child, typically that person learns to underfunction. We teach people how to treat us. To balance out a relationship, one person’s overfunctioning perpetuates the other person’s underfunctioning. In a marriage, we might adopt this relationship based on marriage as we saw it growing up. For instance, in the marriage we saw growing up, one partner did all the cooking while the other watched tv, so that seemed normal. Or maybe one partner constantly worked on the marriage while the other jokingly (but not jokingly) complained about it. In both of these examples, one partner is overfunctioning.

Roberta Gilbert described overfunctioners in this way:
“Advice-giving,
Doing things for others they could do for themselves,
Worrying about other people,
Feeling more responbility for others than is actually needed,
Knowing what is best for others,
Talking more than listening,
Having goals for others that they don’t have for themselves,
Experiencing periodic, sudden ‘burnout’ or severe illness in other forms,
Taking charge of others’ lives,
Doing well in life, but someone close to them is not.”

Underfunctioners, on the other hand:
“Ask for advice when what is needed is to think things out independently,
Get others to help when help is not needed,
Act irresponsibly,
Listen more than talk,
Float along without goals,
Set goals, but don’t follow through,
Become mentally or physically ill frequently,
May have substance addiction problems,
Put others in charge of their lives.”

The goal in a relationship is for each partner to be equally emotionally responsible. For the overfunctioner, Gilbert points out, this sounds preposterous! The overfunctioner assumes he or she is the most responsible, but in truth, overfunctioning simply perpetuates the problem. She points out the best way out of an over/underfunctioning relationship is for one person to ask, “What is my contribution to this relationship pattern?” That’s a bugger of a question. It means I cannot blame my kid for neglecting the dishes again!

In any relationship, each of us plays a part. If you step back and look at your life like you would watch a movie, you will notice the part you play. From there, you can thoughtfully work to change patterns that need changing.

A New Way to See Your Life, Part Two

You come home from work replaying in your mind a heated argument with a co-worker and you snap at your child when he asks what’s for supper. After watching your daily dose of breaking news, you join your friends for coffee to discuss how terrible the world has become. For the thousandth time, your spouse left bits of toothpaste in the sink tonight, even though your spouse knows it grosses you out. You are so angry you won’t even say goodnight.

We live our lives with people, including and not limited to strangers, friends, co-workers, news reporters, and family members. In systems thinking, connection with another human being creates what is called an emotional system. An emotional system can shape your behavior. Your frustration from work goes home with you and you snap at your child as you snap the dry spaghetti noodles, even though your child had nothing to do with that encounter at work. Watching the news makes you anxious, so you share that anxiety with friends, making yourself and others more anxious. You are grossed out by the toothpaste in the sink, but know you will resurrect an old argument if you bring it up.

Any relationship you have with another person (spouse, parent, child, co-worker, boss) can create intense emotions, even if the subject is toothpaste. When emotions flare up, we tend to bring a third person into the mix. Picture this. You have a tough conversation with a co-worker and at the end of the day, you can’t stop thinking about it. So when your child asks, “What’s for supper,” instead of responding “Spaghetti”, you pass along some of your anger by shouting, “SPAGHETTI!” It’s not your kid’s fault your day was stinky, but it was an easy way for you to pass along some of your anxiey.

Or, you keep watching that “breaking news” show all day (seriously all day?) until it’s time for afternoon decaf with your friends. “Can you believe that president/senator/CEO/principal/football team/liberal/conservative #&*&^(&(@! What is this world coming to?” Anxious news-watching generates more anxiety when we sit with other anxious news-watching people, but it makes us feel better (for a little while). At least we’re not the only anxious ones.

Or you call your mother to complain that your spouse is basically still nine years old and unable to handle toothpaste, instead of peacefully suggesting toothpaste tablets directly to your spouse when you aren’t both too tired.

This is called triangling. Instead of dealing directly with the person with whom we have conflict, we take our anxiety outside of the relationship to calm ourselves down. Not all triangles are negative, yet some can become destructive. Roberta M. Gilbert suggests these are common ways we find ourselves in a triangle:

Talking against the boss, the minister, or the teacher to people other than the boss, the minister, or the teacher;
Gossiping;
Having an affair;
Taking a morbid interest in other people’s problems, and
Thinking more about a child or anyone else than one’s own marriage or life. (Extraordinary Relationships A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions, p. 53)

At our more mature moments (when we are rested and fed), we recognize our dangerous position in a triangle. We feel yucky when a friend gossips and we join in. We try over and over again to stop the affair. These unhealthy practices distract us from the real work that needs to be done on our own selves. Yes, you are a work in progress and therefore it takes work to be you. It takes hard work to notice your feelings without letting them take over. It takes hard work to admit when you acted immaturely. It takes hard work to be a responsible, non-blaming human in the 21st century…and in the 1st.

A story in Luke’s gospel illustrates. Jesus has come to visit the sisters, Martha and Mary. Martha is preparing food in the kitchen while Mary sits and visits with Jesus. Martha is ticked and Mary is enjoying herself. Instead of asking Mary to help in the kitchen, Martha passively agressively creates a triangle with Jesus. “Jesus, tell my sister to grow up.” (paraphrase mine). Jesus says nothing to Mary, instead addressing Martha. “Mary is doing what’s best,” he explained to the sassy sister, avoiding being triangled in the drama that is sisterhood.

It takes guts to avoid an unhealthy triangle. (Leave it to Jesus to nail it.) Can you spot a triangle in your life you don’t like? How might you directly address the person with whom you have a conflict?

Glossary

Emotional System: “In difficult relationships, emotions reverberate from person to person, very much like the excitement caught by a herd, beginning with one anxious individual who perceives danger.” (Extraordinary Relationships A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions, p. 9)
Triangle: To calm a relationship between two people, a conflict often spills out into a third person. Or, when news makes us anxious, instead of processing and dealing with the news maturely, we raise the level of anxiety by inviting other people into it.
Conflict: Relationships move from close to distant and back again, from up to down and back again. In between close and distant, up and down are periods of conflict. Conflict is not negative, but instead offers an invitation for people to grow closer if handled honestly and maturely.

A New Way to See Your Life, Part One

(Photo by Admiral General M. u2b50u2b50u2b50u2b50u2b50 GodShepherdly 33277089* on Pexels.com)

So, you want to be a better mom.

You read some books and pick up a few new techniques. Meditation makes you more patient and extra sleep makes you less crabby. You love the new and improved you!

But then life gets stressful. You don’t have time to meditate and the hours you could have been sleeping you spent worrying. You can’t believe what a terrible mom you’ve become. It’s as though no matter how hard you try to be better, you remain only human!

Every mom wishes she could be a better mom. Each year, more than $16 billion is spent on parenting books and nearly $10 billion on parenting-related apps. Moms try hard, carry so much guilt, worry every possible worry for our kids, and criticize our partners for not worrying enough. When a woman visits me, their pastor, with real struggles like these, I encourage her to be gentle on herself. Jesus already saved us, so the hard work is already done. You are God’s beloved, I remind her.

Then I ask questions to wonder with her how she grew so worried:

“Where does you guilt come from? Whose voice is telling you to try harder?”

“How do you manage your anxiety?”

“What would it take to dial back how hard you’re trying?”

And this one might seem out of place, but it’s important: “What would you like your own life to look like these days?”

This month, I am sharing with you a new way to look at your relationship with your own self, with others, and with the society in which you live, no matter where you live. This particular way of looking at life, called systems thinking, has guided my work as a pastor and at the same time my life as a wife, mom and daughter. Disclaimer: Systems thinking will be wildly interesting for you Enneagram 5’s (here’s looking at you, Audrey!), and perhaps a lot of words for others. While it might seem complicated, I hope you will stick with me each week and watch as you look at your life in a new way. Like algebra, each blog will build upon the next to complete the equation.

Also like algebra, you are who are you today based on the building up of unique experiences in your life, particularly in your formative years. Research suggests most of us continue to pattern our lives using what we learned of relationships growing up. How we experienced conflict and family togetherness in our original families informs our expectations for our own families. This is neither good nor bad, it is simply important to know.

I hope these next few weeks transform you into a bit of a detective. With enough curiosity, you might see a new view of your life and become more aware of your mature and less mature responses. Our lives can be factories of anxiety, which easily brings out the worst in us. Although meditation and extra sleep are lovely, they are not as effective as getting to know your most important asset: you.

Glossary
Systems Thinking: A theory of how individuals and relationships function.
Maturity: Being responsible for your own emotional self and life direction. No one is mature 100% of the time. Think of all the sleep-deprived and hangry mom! 70% is a healthy target.
Anxiety: Emotional intensity that can be acute (short-term) or chronic (last many years or generations). Anxiety (including stress and worry) is constantly present in our lives. Depending on our maturity at the time, we have agency to choose how to react or respond.

This 5-part series was inspired by my reading of this book, and I will continue to refer to her work: Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions. By Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D. Second edition: 2017.

Book Review: Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen

One difference between parenting littles and teens is knowing what to say. Littles erupt with questions and deeply desire for their beloved grown-ups to answer them. Teens seem to deeply desire you are there when they need you, but mostly hope you stay quiet. During the teenage years, the eruption of questioning reverses from the young to the old, but the old quickly realize, unlike the young, that questions must be rationed. I find a reasonable average of questions to be 3-5, depending on when they last ate.

I am convinced every parent of teenagers only pretends to know what she or he is doing. When I hear a recommendation of a book for teenage parents, I want to hope to find just the right wisdom in that book, but most parenting books seem to me to be aspirational. Raising teenagers is freaking hard and no book has easy answers. Kids are humans and therefore too complicated to be reduced to a manual.

But this book! I cannot remember how I happened upon it, but it is the very best parenting book I’ve read. I borrowed the audio, read by the author, from our local library. In Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, Michelle Icard guides readers through talks that overwhelm parents like me. Tough stuff: friendship, sexuality, pornography, hygiene, money, how to dress, privilege, and behavior. She is funny and yet grounded, honest that the role of parents is never to protect kids from the world but to equip them to move around the world safely.

Her acronym is easy to implement into conversations with my teenagers and has been a helpful guide. Icard calls her framework for conversation the B.R.I.E.F. Model:

Begin peacefully.
Relate to your child.
Interview to collect data.
Echo what you hear.
Give Feedback.

If you have kids or grandkids who are teenagers or soon to be teenagers, this book will challenge you. What grown-ups like to do (when we are not at our best) is to apply our own teenage experience to the lives of teenagers today. This is an excellent method to raise defensiveness in teens and immediately stop a conversation.

A better way, provided by Icard, is to be intentional in deciding when to have a tough conversation. And to respect teenagers enough to give them a heads up. “Begin peacefully” is great advice for beginning any tough conversation, not only with a child, but with a spouse or co-worker. Be careful when you enter into a thorny conversation. Don’t do it when you are tired, hungry, or ticked off at someone, including your child.

Even though teenagers are quickly gaining independence, there is so much they are trying to figure out from moment to moment. In many ways, it has never been more challenging to be a teenager. They have access to every kind of yuck on their devices, and so they need a loving and forgiving guide to be there and begin those conversations peacefully, not out of anger or fear.

When I drop off my daughter at school (the only person I drop off anymore) I remind her “Jesus Loves You,” and she does the same for me. I cannot walk with her through the hallways or around the playground, but I can do my best to prepare her for situations she might encounter. And more importantly, we can remind one another that Jesus’ love does not expire, and it is not revocable. Jesus’ love cannot be undone. Teenagers, like all human beings, easily forget this promise. We make mistakes and then make the mistake of assuming our mistake undoes the promise of Jesus’ love.

Although I can attest to how hard it is to raise teenagers, I can also tell you it is much easier when I get to remind them (probably more than they prefer) that Jesus loves them, all the time.

Laundry is a Sacred Act

Welcome to the season of routine! <insert cheering from roaring crowds of mothers> I took a peek at my daughter’s new planner (because she is my mini-me) to discover both birthdays and days of room cleaning all assigned to their proper days. Ah, the power of rhythm and routine.

With age also comes the power of forgiveness when rhythm and routine are disrupted or adapted. Truly, few things are sacred in our lives. If you pause to ponder what is truly sacred in your life, what might that be? Family connections? Health and well-being? Friendship? Sharing? And Jesus, of course. Most questions a pastor asks you can be answered, “Jesus.”

For me, doing the laundry is sacred. The washing and folding and praying for the people who will wear the things you wash. (Disclaimer: I stopped doing my kids’ laundry when they were five because laundry pods are awesome. But I do on rare occasions move their laundry from here to there or wash the random items that are abandoned in the living room.) Tucking away the towels, hanging up the coats, the infrequent scrubbing of baseball caps and shoes. This is sacred work I try not to rush. I hope my prayers become lodged in the fabric, like chocolate stain that will remain there forever. I hope these woven in prayers will speak up, somehow, when my child of any age feels inadequate, overwhelmed, frustrated, pressured, or lost.

I’ve noticed it’s not so tough to encourage a younger kid in her or his faith. It’s the older variety that poses the challenge. How do you pray for the kid, who for the sake of maturity, needs to grow some distance between you? It might be the bigger the clothes you end up moving or washing, the more prayers that are needed to weave into all that fabric! “Big kids, big problems,” you have heard. We can also say, “Big kids, big prayers.” Or, “Big kids, big community,” by which I mean kids need extra love from the people around them.

It’s so easy to step back when kids need healthy distance from parents and guardians, but perhaps it just means we step closer to them in prayer. It is letting go of the influence we once had in their younger years, and trusting the woven-in prayers, and the accompaniment of our Lord to guide and guard them always.

Could daily prayer for kids, grandkids and neighbor kids be part of your new academic year rhythm and routine, if it isn’t already? If you are retired and you miss the feel of the new year, your new homework could simply be the sacred practice of prayer. Pray for families getting ready in the mornings, that their words are kind and their snacks healthy. Pray for kids who eat lunch alone, or who feel alone even though they are sitting with others. Pray for playground peace and collaborative classmates. Pray for supportive friendships and self-kindness.

Just as a parent of young kiddos will tell you there is always laundry to do (thank you, chocolate stains), there are always prayers to pray.

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