Category Archives: faith

The Mom Drama of Kids and Video Games

(A rare moment of all three Lewtons playing a game together.)

It might be best if we kept this under wraps, but one of my favorite Sega Genesis games (circa 1995) was Mortal Kombat. Girls are stereotypically often more dexterous than boys, which is the only logical reason I can come up with that I would “Finish Him!” more often than the boys who gamed much more than I ever did.

Sonic the Hedgehog was more enjoyable (and less gory), along with Ren and Stimpy (happy, happy, joy, joy). While I did not spend most of my time with any of these characters within the orange shag-carpeted walls of our basement growing up, I did spend some.

Video games have become a million times cooler with realistic sound and visual effects and the ability to play with friends from their own homes (a great perk during a pandemic). Even so, for years I didn’t want my kids to be gamers. Why was that? Is it a Midwestern mindset that sitting down and looking at a screen to play a game is somehow bad? Where did that come from? How many wonderful people play Candy Crush? I played Mortal Kombat and I didn’t want my kids to play Mario Carts? Being a parent is a constant exercise in self-reflection.

Ours was the house without a gaming console until I changed my mind. Sometimes my kids play video games. We have regular conversations to determine how much is appropriate and how to self-regulate. Both are important life skills. How do we understand moderation and practice it? Again, questions applicable throughout our entire lives.

Most importantly, the video game self-reflection and conversations have taught me never to identify my kid (or someone else’s) based on what they do or do not do. Kids are not “gamers”, they are kids who play video games. If we see a kid as a “gamer”, we see only a part of his or her whole self. Parents carry the power to shroud a kid in shame by narrowing their kid down to what they do or do not do. And, parents carry the responsibility to tell kids the story of who they truly are: beloved by God, made in God’s image, already forgiven, bearers of Christ’s light.

My kids are just like their mother: flawed, fully freed and forgiven by Jesus, and forever learning. (Unlike me, they are not triumphant Mortal Kombat players, but that’s only between you and me.)

Easier Not To Have Them, Better If You Do

(Credit: Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash)

I know only part of the truth about me. I need others to help me know the rest.

I know part of the truth about myself, so I need you to help me know more truth about myself. I know part of the truth about the congregation I serve and I need others to uncover other truths I do not know or see (or that I ignore). I know part of the truth about my relationships with my kids, spouse, and family. I need them to help me understand the whole truth.

We walk around knowing only part of what is true. Only conversation brings out the truth.

I challenge you to think more deeply about your conversations this week, including conversations you have with yourself and with others. I’ve been inspired by Susan Scott’s book “Fierce Conversation: Achieving Success in Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time”.

Scott shares her revelation that conversations do not shape a relationship, but conversations are in fact the relationship. One conversation at a time, we see beyond our own perception of what is true about ourselves and others. You can guess by her title she suggests bold, honest, curious conversation. It has made me wonder how many truth-provoking conversations I actually have with staff, congregation members and myself. It is so much easier to err on the side of nice. Not only is it easier, in the Midwest polite conversation is culturally expected.

Today, what conversation needs to happen to let the truth be free? What honest words would bring growth to your own self or a relationship? What is keeping you from speaking those honest words? If we fear the relationship will be damaged, Scott suggests chances are it is already slowly happening. Truth is oxygen to a relationship. Too much of it all at once is dangerous, but a steady stream is life-giving.

In honor of a famous truth-teller who honestly proclaimed his dream, today is an appropriate day to imagine a world full of truth, one conversation at a time.

How These Days Are Like an Onion

So how was your day? Really.

Did you jump to conclusions with someone else was talking? I did.

Did you finish someone’s sentence without letting that person finish it? I did.

These days. They are really something. These days are such an onion!

Did you wish it could magically be January 21st? I did!

Did you get short with someone in a conversation? I did.

Stop and consider what is stressing you out right now. Or are you worried about kids going back to school? Is your job extra hard? Are you fretting over summer plans and not knowing what the summer will look like? Are you doom scrolling too much news? Are you worried about a family member consumed by a conspiracy theory?

These days are like an onion with layers and layers. Layers of political angst, layers of work worry, layers of extraordinary family anxiety.

Churches may be worried about budgets, members who may or may not drift back, staff retention, how to preach in this political climate, a future with in-person and online community.

These days. When they seem like too much, that is, when you find yourself wishing this season was a different season, remember these days are like an onion. You and your neighbor are walking around with layers and layers. Peel them back one at a time. Be gentle on yourself and your neighbor.

Onions can be overwhelming. But not if we do the peeling together.

A Break From All That

(Note by Karis about her favorite animal.)

It’s been five days since all of it happened at the U.S. Capitol. Five days of news, photos, posts, and tweets, slowly moving us from disbelief to a bit of muddy clarity. Five days and let’s take a break from all that.

At my daughter’s elementary school, I am incredibly grateful to the teachers of Yoga Calm. She has several tools in her toolbelt to help her catch her breath and find some grounding when we need it, including calming bottles, deep breaths, and stretches.

Some evenings, she leads “calming sessions” with anyone in our house who wants to join in. Her dad and I both find it refreshing and we do actually sleep better! Her Yoga Calm skills have recently reached a new audience.

There are three dogs who live at our house. We call two of them the “big dogs”, whose hobby is bird hunting. And the “little dog” who only hunts for trouble. All three have been invited to calming sessions. Some time ago, she wrote the note insisting dogs do [talk]. If dogs can talk, of course they can do Yoga Calm. Today, she taught the class to all three dogs in the backyard, a feat equivalent to teaching 35 kindergarteners. In the unusually warm January air, she expanded their repertoire of calming tools. (She lures them in with treats, making her a very effective instructor. )

She also leaves tools where the dogs can easily see them, for example beside the little dog’s food and water. The tools in this bag encourage slower breathing, moving your finger (sorry, paw) from one dot to the next, one breath at a time.

The little dog hasn’t figured out how to open the bag yet, but I’m quite sure the sight of the bag is calming enough.

You should try it. On a piece of paper, draw a shape and scatter dots anywhere on the lines. Breath in from one dot to the next, exhale from that dot to the next one. And you, too, can be as calm as a Springer Spaniel, Yellow Lab, and Lassapoo.

A Most Memorable Day of Epiphany

(Photo by JOSEPH PREZIOSO/AFP via Getty Images)

As you know, this has been quite a day. What began as the Day of Epiphany and light unfolded into chaos, terror and darkness in the United States.

In that city, I fell in love…with coffee. At a Starbucks a short train ride from the U.S. Capitol Building, a dark roast with a splash of cream became the flavor of the city. Recalling my time in Washington, D.C. brings back the taste of that cup of coffee. My eyes were open to the delight of a cup of coffee.

When I indulged in that cup of coffee, I was between sessions at a preaching conference where I heard preachers with black, brown and white skin, women and men proclaim the unsettling peace of Jesus Christ. I’d heard the story before, but never from those voices, with as much depth as my dark roast with a splash of cream, and enough delight to make an old story new again.

The sing-songy words of the glorious preachers proclaimed a peace that does not emerge from power, but in spite of it. Jesus, their words taught me, ushered in God’s dream for the world, overcoming might not with more might, but with peace.

Jesus, I stake my life on it, is a teacher of humility and peace. When Christians sing of success and power and privilege, I know their tune is off. If only they could hear Rev. Jacqui Lewis, Rev. Richard Rohr, Rev. Walter Brueggemann, and the Most Rev. Michael Curry. If only Christians set on power could hear sermons making clear that any hope in success and power and privilege is precisely what killed the Savior.

Jesus spoke on behalf of people left behind by the quest for success, power and privilege. Today, watching the horror unfold in the capitol, I felt deep remorse for the people left behind in my own day, 2,000 years later. I am sorry I have been part of leaving behind my black and brown siblings in Christ. I am sorry violence in my own country’s capitol escalated to waving Confederate Flags in sacred spaces, carrying out a mission to make America the country it had been back when racism was even more normalized.

This is not the Christian way. There is no Jesus in that song of might, no Christian freedom where there is no humility and peace.

If you read the Epiphany story, you will find startling similarities to today’s events. Power is a most dangerous motive. Peace has more depth. And doesn’t need the splash of cream.

Book Review: “Bless This Mess” *****

Beware of parenting books. They should all be read cautiously and with acute awareness that no parent is perfect, no two kids are the same, and we are all parenting with only our best guesses.

This book, however, is a breath of fresh air and an unfolding of wisdom. I’ve been a parent for quite a few years and I know stuff. After reading this book, I know more. I would love to hang out with these two witty and honest authors! Even the story of how a cool pastor and curious child psychologist became friends and united in the front line craziness of parenting and then co-wrote a book is Spirit-filled.

If you are wondering how to talk to your kids about money or sex or sexuality, read this book. If you are wondering whether to take kids to church and why you would even wonder whether to do that, read this book. You will find a healthy theology not based on protecting kids from everything “of this world”. The premise is to accompany kids rather than shield them. The answer isn’t “go to church” or “monitor screen time more”. I found both grace and guidance in these pages.

Parenting is an exercise in intensity. The younger years are intensely exhausting. The older years appear to be emotionally intense. It is so easy to sit back and cross my fingers, but much wiser to stay in the ring. The authors of “Bless This Mess” provide some of the moves and strength to do just that for each state of parenting preschoolers, middle schoolers and high schoolers.

Beware of parenting books, for sure. But this one is an exception.

#SpiritualLonging

(Photo by Michael McGetrick on Unsplash)

A hunger for bread. A thirst only water can quench. A yearning for someone I love to hold my hand.

Our deepest needs are the least complicated.

Daily life, on the other hand, is mostly complicated. I am a wife, mom and pastor, making each day an exercise in meeting and missing expectations (my own, my family’s, my parish). We have expectations for ourselves and our work. Expectations are placed upon you by family members and your daily work, paid or unpaid. “To whom much is given, much will be required,” Jesus whispered in the ear of an overwhelmed woman. (Luke 12:48)

In the complicated seasons of life, what is required is overwhelming. At home, schedule the kids’ doctor appointments, sign up for baseball, buy her dance outfit in the size that fits (unlike last year), teach him how to drive, be available for conversation whenever a kid or partner is open to meaningful conversation, plan the meals, unclog the drain, surveil the screen time, fold the towels, check the homework, tell people to shower. And then there is your paid work if that’s your thing. And then there is joining your partner in caring for a marriage if that’s your thing. Maybe you care for aging parents or a sick kiddo, maybe you travel for work, maybe you are financially stressed, maybe, maybe, complicated, complicated.

I am convinced women today need to face the long list of what we expect of ourselves and what is expected of us and get real. Deep down, we do not long to administrate our families or “balance” time at home and work. Our true longing is much less complicated – as simple as bread, water, and the touch of a loved one’s hand.

These are spiritual longings, weaved into your very being. Spiritual longings are uncomplicated desires to set aside the unrealistic expectations you assume are required of you. Usually, the only person requiring unrealistic expectations of you is…you. Your family does not want you to work so damn hard. Your work does not need you to give up your well-being. You do not need to lose yourself in the dark woods of endless expectations.

When the message is to try harder to get through the woods, or to be your better self to find your way, I think that message is wrong and destructive. A better way might be to sit down wherever you are in the dark woods. Take a bite of bread and a sip of water and let Jesus hold your hand for a while. Take uncomplicated deep breaths. The drain will stay clogged and the towels will pile up. But you, beloved child of God, will hear Jesus whisper that you’ve gone too far into the woods. “To whom much freedom and life is given, trying harder is not required.”

That promise is my longing, filling my spirit with each deep, uncomplicated breath.

On Firsts and Lasts With Kids

Firsts are obvious as we lead and accompany kids through this one wild and precious life, as Mary Oliver described it. We pay attention to the first bath, first solid food, first friend, first day of school. My son bought his first vehicle a couple of weeks ago. It was both wild and precious.

Lasts are a different animal. We only notice them in hindsight if we notice them at all. The last time he needed me to tie his shoes. Last time she needed my help to give her a bath. Last book I read to him. Last time I cut her steak for her. Last time I picked them all up from school.

This week, I wonder whether this will be the last New Year’s Eve we spend together as a five-person crew. I planned a menu and a few goofy games in an attempt to stay awake until midnight, and I keep pondering whether this last day of the year is one of those hidden lasts. Kids are built to move on to bigger things that do not involve a mom making mocktails, but we never know when we have entered new territory until suddenly we have arrived. Suddenly there will be four of us, then three, then…

I do not dread the descending order, but I don’t want to completely miss the lasts, either.

You could say every last leads to a first. The last New Year’s Eve together will lead to his first New Year’s Eve with friends, without mom’s goofy games, without fighting with siblings, without the old comfortable routine. In the newness of the firsts and in the shedding of the lasts, life reveals its wild and precious self. Ready or not.

A New Year (Not New You) Approaching

New year, new you, even 2020 ridiculously promised. Remember?

Even I, lover of lists, and the promise of a new day, and goals, and dreams don’t buy the notion that a new year makes a new you. Eventually we fall into the habit of writing the date correctly as we fall into other not-so-new-you habits.

I was scrolling through Pinterest for written workouts when it dawned on me that Pinterest is trying to convince me no matter what my body might look like, it isn’t suppose to look like this. Pin after pin showed sculpted bodies and women who looked very hungry. I was only looking for a few HIT workout ideas and caught myself judging my own body for not looking like those bodies. I don’t want my body to look like those bodies! I like a donut once in a while and good dark beer and bread. And cookies.

This week leading to a new year, I’m going to fall into the common trap of believing a new year can make a better me. But in 2021, I’ll be the same me who sometimes chooses to get up in the morning and exercise and sometimes sleeps in because that’s more important. Sometimes I will choose vegetables and other times I’ll skip them. I’ll get some things right and others wrong, which is nothing new at all.

And through it all, the God who made me won’t give up on me. More likely, God will say, “Yep, that’s Lisa. That’s the real her,” because I’m not so interested in a “new and improved me”. I prefer a forgiven and beloved me instead. The effort is more God’s than mine.

Although donuts may not be calorie free here, they can be guilt free. And that is enough.

Advent Week Four: Love’s Story

(Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels)

Advent candles flickering toward hope, peace, joy and finally love have been lit. We are two millennia past and two days away from love’s story.

Now, a story about stories.

It used to be we were limited to understanding the world and its people by where we lived and who we knew. B.I. (before internet) we were limited in knowledge to the dictionaries and encyclopedias we could access. We knew only the stories told on famous radio programs, a handful of television shows, and a limited number of books depending upon the ingenuity of the local librarian.

Long ago, Abraham Lincoln made time each morning to hear people’s stories. Franklin Delano Roosevelt did not read headlines of the newspapers he collected from across the country each day. He read editorials in order to understand people’s stories.

Now, you and I live in a land of innumerable stories. They fall into your lap each day. We are not limited to understanding the world and its people by a limited number of sources. But this is what we do when we depend on the news or your Facebook feed to tell stories. Stories need to be told by the bearers of the stories.

I’ve learned about the world and its people through stories, not the news. Ta Nehisi-Coates and Ibram X. Kendi taught me my micro-contributions to racism. Glennon Doyle helped me understand bulimia and addiction. Kristin Howerton gave me language for adoption and families with kids of different colors. Joel Stein visited folks in Roberts County, Texas and folks at elite conferences at ski resorts to teach me how America reached the unlikely conclusion to elect Donald Trump in 2016. Malcolm Gladwell, a storytelling wizard, blew my mind with his collection of stories that make sense of why violence befalls our black and brown siblings in Christ in shameful proportion to whites. Ada Calhoun listened to the stories of so many women in my generation and then broke the news to us that feminism did not free us to do everything all at once.

Stories are how we understand each other. They open a door to mingle in each others truths so that we might become a bit truer ourselves. Stories, when told so bravely, crack open love for one another.

Two millennia ago and two days from now, love became a story. It’s the story we tell about a starry night and a desperate couple. We tell the story freely and often, but we miss the love unleashed in it. Perhaps this year you might hear it differently. The story is not a love story, but love’s story, calling us to see love in all our stories.