In her book, “Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions”, Roberta M. Gilbert describes two people who meet, are attracted to each other, and grow intensely close. Even thinking about being together makes each of them happy. Soon after, they are considered “fused,” meaning when one person is happy, so is the other. When one person is frustrated or sad, so is the other. Their interactions become intense, trying to return to and maintain a state of happiness. They work so hard to keep each other happy, knowing when one of them is happy, so is the other. They constantly struggle in their pursuit of good feelings. They have lost their own selves in the relationship.
If you have attended a wedding ceremony when a new couple lights a unity candle, you might remember they light one candle using their own individual candles. “Be sure not to blow out your own candles,” I tell couples during rehearsal. “You are still your own person in your marrage!”
This idea is confusing in part because of the movies. When couples fall in love in the movies, they become like one person, synchronized, fused. They are together in every sense of the word, but that relationship only has to last until the credits roll! In real life, couples are not to become one person, they are to remain two separate people with their own ideas, hopes and dreams; their own opinions and worries; their own friends and connection to families of origin; having their own unique relationship with kids. “Relationships become uncomfortable, not because we care too little, but because we lose too much of ourselves in them.” (Gilbert, p. 77).
You can identify a fused relationship in your life by noticing which relationship feels most demanding and even draining. Gilbert asks whether there are unrealistic expectations tied up in this relationship. Another question for self-reflection is whether you can spot fusion in your family of origin? Could the people in your family have their own identities and priorities? What did it look like when one person expressed opinions that differed from the family, or when a family member moved far away?
As my teenagers add years to their lives, I both enjoy and am challenged by their individual perspectives. Aware of how fusion makes it difficult to be our own selves, my kids are not required to agree with me, nor am I required to agree with them. We can have our own thoughts regarding politics, relationships, gaming, and music. It is so much fun, and again challenging, to equip them to be their own unique persons, like individual candles that keep burning. Each of my kids are valued members of our family not because we agree, but because our different ideas make our family more interesting.
In my marriage, I was slow to learn what a gift it is that my husband and I sometimes see politics and theology differently. In the early years of marriage, it seemed as though the goal was to be like-minded. (Again, the movies!) But thank goodness like-mindedness is not the goal! In my family of origin, too, it has been a blessing to have parents whose own opinions and perspectives differ, which offered even more perspectives growing up.
Fusion in families stunts our individual growth. When we try too hard to keep the peace and fake our agreement, we miss out on each person’s individuality. It is, in fact, enriching to live under the same roof with someone who respectfully disagrees with me, even though it can be a pain the neck! Growth is hard. I am challenged to keep learning, and to keep defining my own perspective.
Next week, in the last part of this series, we will zoom in one more step to notice our human tendency to be together, think alike, and avoid conflict. I will share a few last thoughts to encourage you to keep your own candle burning, just as Jesus said: “In the same way, let your light so shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)
Lisa Lewton 