Dependence

I come from a long line of fiercely independent women. It never occurred to me growing up that a boy could do something I couldn’t (aside from standing up to pee). I have no memory of someone in our family suggesting boys are smarter or stronger than girls. I learned to be independent watching the generations of women ahead of me as they went to college, raised kids, and worked in their communities.

Independence was inherited, which at some point, (possibly like all inheritances), can become a rather complicated companion.

If the independent one marries, for example, the heir of Independence must evaluate how to be both independent and somewhat dependent at the same time. This is how partnerships work. They are a fluid mix of dependence and independence, with each partner taking turns being the leader.

It would have been advantageous to have a conversation with my inheritance early on in my marriage. Something like this:

Me: There you are again, inherited Independence. I’m glad you tell me I can do stuff all on my own, but…

Independence: But what? I’m sure you can come up with the words all on your own.

Me: It’s just. Well, I don’t understand how to be both independent and dependent at the same time, and it seems kind of important.

Independence: I suppose that’s true. What are you going to do, since you can do it!

Me: (sigh) So, let’s say I need my handsome husband to help me get the dog to the vet. Then what?

Independent: You just do it yourself. You’re Independent!

Me: Okay, well, what if I’m sick or something? Or just super tired? Then can I ask for help?

Independence: (snorts)

Me: The thing is, I wonder if this is going to be lonely, this whole independent-not-dependent thing. If I just do all the stuff, is that really a partnership?

Independence: I don’t speak your language right now. All the women before you did it.

Me: This is all so confusing.

[19 years later]

Me: This is all so confusing.

See what I mean?

In a time in the life of the world when so many women before me, both in my own family and in the history of women, have shown fierce independence, it is complicated for this woman to know when to ask for help. And on some occasions when I leaned on independence and not my own spouse, did I miss out? Independence, as important as it is, can be a lonely companion compared to partnership.

These thoughts roll through my brain each Independence Day, wondering how much Independence becomes a sort of god.

In my daily life, how much do I teach my sons and daughter a mixture of independence and dependence? Do they know the value of dependently bearing one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2)? Do they know we are created to be dependent upon one another more than we are made to be fiercely independent? That was God’s dream after all, entrusting us to one another’s care, perfectly imperfectly and fiercely loved by the God on whom we eternally depend.