The Hidden Truth of People-Pleasing

I learned valuable life lessons from the sitcom “Cheers.” From Norm: find your group of people who notice when you are missing. From Sam: everyone’s story and everyone’s trouble deserve to be heard. From Woody: it’s okay to say ridiculous things! And from Diane: do not be a people-pleaser, which is life-long learning for me.

People-pleasing is prevalent among Midwestern women in particular. From our hard-working grandmothers, we learned to contribute and stay out of the way. Don’t create extra work for people. Be easy company to have around.

The lessons I learned from my family did not match Diane! Growing up, I wondered why this character was so hard to be around. Why did she say sharp words and when she could be more agreeable? She constantly upset her friends, demanded to be heard and disrupted the calm in the room. Diane was no people-pleaser.

Are you a people-pleaser?

“What would like for dinner” Marcus will ask on the weekends. “Whatever you make,” I reply.

“What can I help you with?” One staff member will ask another at church. “Oh, I’m fine. We’re fine. Everything is fine,” we joke, gently turning down the offer.

Among siblings, one is often a people-pleaser. (Hello there, middle children!) When a parent explains, “I have one hard kid and one easy kid,” it is likely the “easy” kid is easy because the “hard” kid is hard. One sibling becomes more agreeable and people-pleasing as a response to the less agreeable sibling to keep the family calmer.

Beware if you have an ultra-agreeable child, partner or friend. Is there a way you might lovingly encourage that person to channel their inner-Diane and speak up? Or even better, model this practice yourself. The problem with people-pleasing is the way it hides the actual person and their actual thoughts, worries and ideas. The people-pleasing version of a person is an edited version.

Diane spoke sharp and honest words, even though they were not the words people wanted to hear. You knew where she stood and what she really believed, shaping her character on the show.

I’m not suggesting we should be carelessly honest with no consideration for others. However, try this:

• Notice when you withhold your honest thoughts, ideas and worries because you do not want to upset someone. Then take it a step further. How might your own honesty lead to a better decision, or help the other person become more responsible, or bring you closer to a friend or partner?

This is risky, I know. It is easier to keep our actual thoughts, worries and ideas to ourselves. To be easy company. To be known as agreeable and not like an emboldened Diane. Yet I suspect God’s hope for the world is not a population of people-pleasers who avoid the hard conversations!

What is the cost of agreeable? The Holy Spirit’s wisdom goes unheard. Your unique perspective shaped by your unique life experiences is missed. The version of you that you present is milk-toast compared to the authentic you whom God created. Relationships get stuck. Work loses its excitement. What truly matters to you (and possibly even to God) goes unsaid.

Another lesson I learned from “Cheers” is that everything works out in a span of 30 minutes! Well, you can’t believe everything you learn from tv.

Photo by Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash