A New Way to See Your Life, Part One

So, you want to be a better mom.

You read some books and pick up a few new techniques. Meditation makes you more patient and extra sleep makes you less crabby. You love the new and improved you!

But then life gets stressful. You don’t have time to meditate and the hours you could have been sleeping you spent worrying. You can’t believe what a terrible mom you’ve become. It’s as though no matter how hard you try to be better, you remain only human!

Every mom wishes she could be a better mom. Each year, more than $16 billion is spent on parenting books and nearly $10 billion on parenting-related apps. Moms try hard, carry so much guilt, worry every possible worry for our kids, and criticize our partners for not worrying enough. When a woman visits me, their pastor, with real struggles like these, I encourage her to be gentle on herself. Jesus already saved us, so the hard work is already done. You are God’s beloved, I remind her.

Then I ask questions to wonder with her how she grew so worried:

“Where does you guilt come from? Whose voice is telling you to try harder?”

“How do you manage your anxiety?”

“What would it take to dial back how hard you’re trying?”

And this one might seem out of place, but it’s important: “What would you like your own life to look like these days?”

This month, I am sharing with you a new way to look at your relationship with your own self, with others, and with the society in which you live, no matter where you live. This particular way of looking at life, called systems thinking, has guided my work as a pastor and at the same time my life as a wife, mom and daughter. Disclaimer: Systems thinking will be wildly interesting for you Enneagram 5’s (here’s looking at you, Audrey!), and perhaps a lot of words for others. While it might seem complicated, I hope you will stick with me each week and watch as you look at your life in a new way. Like algebra, each blog will build upon the next to complete the equation.

Also like algebra, you are who are you today based on the building up of unique experiences in your life, particularly in your formative years. Research suggests most of us continue to pattern our lives using what we learned of relationships growing up. How we experienced conflict and family togetherness in our original families informs our expectations for our own families. This is neither good nor bad, it is simply important to know.

I hope these next few weeks transform you into a bit of a detective. With enough curiosity, you might see a new view of your life and become more aware of your mature and less mature responses. Our lives can be factories of anxiety, which easily brings out the worst in us. Although meditation and extra sleep are lovely, they are not as effective as getting to know your most important asset: you.

Glossary
Systems Thinking: A theory of how individuals and relationships function.
Maturity: Being responsible for your own emotional self and life direction. No one is mature 100% of the time. Think of all the sleep-deprived and hangry mom! 70% is a healthy target.
Anxiety: Emotional intensity that can be acute (short-term) or chronic (last many years or generations). Anxiety (including stress and worry) is constantly present in our lives. Depending on our maturity at the time, we have agency to choose how to react or respond.

This 5-part series was inspired by my reading of this book, and I will continue to refer to her work: Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions. By Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D. Second edition: 2017.