If You Bring a Kid to Walmart

(In the fashion of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”)

If you bring a kid to Walmart, you will surely pay more money.

Pushing a cart and trying not to run over your own child or someone else’s…

Your sweet child will wonder about multi-vitamins for her and her brothers,

And you will remember you need more Vitamin D…

You will purchase toothpaste, because it is so nice to have extra toothpaste.

And then you will notice the cute pink toothbrushes and need one of those, too…

In the shampoo aisle, oh the shampoo aisle, which holds promise after promise of full hair,

You will keep on walking because you know your hair is not so full and that is just okay…

Your child will beg to walk by the toy aisle, but you won’t,

So then you will need to go down the arts and crafts aisle…

She will choose a few projects, some involving paint, none involving glitter,

And next you will go straight to the cleaning aisle…

In the cleaning aisle, you will find a whole lot of nothing.

More nothing. Stupid Pandemic.

More nothing.

Then you will say a silent prayer that God will protect your home from the paint that surely will spill in the absence of 409 and Magic Erasers…

Your child will remind you that you can never have enough cereal, peanut butter or English Muffins.

You will remind yourself that you can never have enough coffee…

At that point, you are exhausted, so you head to the self-check out, yearning for the coffee that will be made from the beans in your cart very soon…

You will pay the bill, walk out the door, and load the goods into your vehicle.

You will drive away and remember three things you forgot while you were at Walmart, even though your receipt had plenty of items and the number at the bottom is very big…

You will begin to plan your next trip to Walmart in your head, and wonder whether your kid will come with you. She will…

And you will bring a kid to Walmart, where you will surely pay more money.